Deer

I don’t think my eyes work right, sometimes. I mean, how else can you explain it? How’d a deer suddenly appear in the middle of the restaurant otherwise? I was minding my own business, scrubbing down the deep fryer, when I hear a table get not-so-graciously toppled. I nearly had a heart attack, I was certain it was a robber.

Now, deer are common in this part of the country, sure. But how’d it even get in? The door’s locked. No windows were broken or anything. I put my washcloth down on the deep fryer and stepped over to the front counter.

“Where you going?”

The voice came from directly behind me. I turned around. I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

“Hello?”

“Why’d you stop cleaning?”

I looked around once more, still not seeing anything out of the ordinary.

“Uh, a deer’s broken into the store. Who are you, exactly?”

“Oh, I’m Wari.”

“O-ok. But, where are you?”

“Huh? You see some other deep fryer in front of you?”

I looked back at the deer for a second. Was I dreaming? I pinched myself, to no avail.

“Hey, don’t go ignoring me now! I need a good cleaning!”

I turn back to the deep fryer.

“Um… What do I do about the deer, though?”

“I don’t know, can’t you kill it?”

“Kill it!?”

“Why are you even asking me? You think I got deer experience or something? I’m a metal box!”

“Wouldn’t you say experience with deer instead of ‘deer experience’???”

“Is this really the time to be pedantic!?”

“I’m nervous, OK!?”

“You’re making ME nervous!”

“What am I supposed to do with this deer!?”

“Stop asking me!”

“Yo.” A new voice emerged from behind me.

I turned around to face the deer.

“…Not you too.” I pleaded.

“Why are you guys so upset?” The deer asked.

“That’s it. I quit.”

“I STILL NEED A CLEANING!” The fryer yelled.

“LIKE I CARE! Have the deer clean you!”

“Dude, I don’t have hands.”

“Dude, how’d you even get in here then?”

“Don’t call me dude, dude.”

“Just answer the question.”

“I came in through the front door. It was unlocked.”

“Wait, what? It shouldn’t have been-”

It was at this point that I realized I had forgotten to lock the front door.

“So… This is my fault after all.”

“Yeah. So, you got any eats?”

“This is a barbeque joint.”

“And?”

“We serve meat, mostly.”

“Yo, hook me up.”

“Is that allowed? Won’t you get sick from eating meat?”

“It’s worth it.”

“I… You’ll barf outside, right?”

“I can’t promise you that.”

“Why would I give you meat then?”

“Because you’re… my friend?”

“Really?”

“I can’t promise you that.”

“THAT DOESN’T FIT HERE!”

“Look. Just get me those sweet meats, my dude.”

“Forget him,” The fryer interrupted, “just come back over here and CLEAN ME! IT IS YOUR DESTINY!”

It was at this point that I heard a siren. Sure enough, a police car pulled up right in front of the store. Ans surer still, two officers waltzed right through the front door.

“Keep your hands in the air!”

“I don’t have hands!” The deer protested.

“You on the run, deer!?” I said, holding my hands above my head.

“We’re not here for him” one of the officers replied.

“I haven’t done anything!” I yelled, “Well, aside from letting a deer into the restaurant. Is that illegal? It probably is illegal…”

“We’re not here for you, either.”

“Eh?”

I turned around to the only possible alternative.

“CLEAN ME RIGHT NOW!” The fryer yelled.

“He wanted you to remove the evidence.” One of the officers explained as he made his way to the fryer.

“What do you think you’re doing! Stay back! I’ll, uh fry you to death!”

The officers ignore the fryer’s threats and pulled out the fryer’s plug.

“Alright, we’ll be taking back this fryer for interrogation.”

“What did he do?”

“He had secretly replaced his coconut oil with ultra-low-quality canola oil, in order to sell the coconut oil later on.”

“How can a fryer even do that?”

“Save your arguments for court.”

“I’m not that thing’s lawyer!”

The officer shrugged and turned back to the front door. He patted the deer’s back as he and the other officer dragged the fryer to the door.

“Good job, officer.”

“Huh? Officer!?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, I’m an undercover cop.” The deer replied.

“Wait, so why were you wanting me to give you meat?”

“I needed to distract you and the fryer long enough for the cops with hands to arrive. I happened to be the closest officer available. Anyway, nobody ever suspects a deer.”

“You were by far the most suspicious character here…”

“Whatever, dude. Hook me up with some meat already.”

“You still want meat!? Wasn’t it cooked in super low quality oil anyway?”

“Dude, I’m throwing it up anyway. You think I care?”

“wait… How am I supposed to cook it? I just gave my deep fryer away.”

“You deep fry meat here?”

It dawned on me at this point how dumb a barbeque that primarily deep fries its meat is.

“Oh, well the only thing not deep fried is our… venison burgers.”

“ooh, venison? Sounds exotic. Get me some.”

I stared at the deer for a solid minute.

“You know what venison is right?”

“…Yes… It’s meat.”

“Deer meat.”

“Say again?”

“It’s made of deer.”

The deer froze, as if I had just turned on my headlights or something.

“Well, I’m getting fired anyway, so I’ll be heading out. See you never.”

With that, I left the restaurant, the deer still frozen inside.

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